Building Confidence

When I was in elementary school, I remember being a candidate for an advanced-track learning program. I was in second grade and already reading at a fourth or fifth grade level, so I suppose the teachers and counselors felt it was best to challenge me a bit more. But before I could be admitted to this program—I can’t remember the exact name of it—I had to take and pass an oral test with a counselor to prove I was prepared for higher-level work. My teacher ushered me into his office and he welcomed me with a smile and a kind voice, doing everything in his power to ensure that I knew I was in a safe and positive environment.

But here’s the thing—I didn’t know this guy. And for that program there were no gradual steps taken to increase familiarity before the test. So when I, a seven year old girl already considered timid in comparison to other second graders, entered this strange room, I became even more withdrawn. I remember him asking me questions and even if I had an inkling of the answer, I shrugged because I was afraid of being wrong in front of a stranger. He encouraged me, nearly pleaded with me, to just guess even if I wasn’t completely sure. “If you guess,” he said, “you get more points than if you don’t answer at all.” But I just couldn’t. I was so afraid of being wrong and disappointing him that I barely spoke (which, I realize, was probably a lot more disappointing). And so I was not admitted into the advanced learning program.

I tutor a girl weekly whose reluctance to answer the questions I ask, even when I can see she knows or at least has an idea of the answer, reminds me of that feeling I had when I was young. She came in at first and hardly spoke a word, didn’t want to read out loud, and basically gave the impression that she didn’t want to be there. I struggled with this because the other girl I tutor is outgoing and ready to tackle any problem. I misread her reluctance at first as a dismissal of my tutoring or of the program and I wasn’t sure how to handle that. I tried to reason out ways in which I could make the material more interesting or relevant to real life.

As more information about her life came out, however, I realized that she was like me in that office in second grade. She told me about her sister, a graduate of a prestigious school in Georgia, and called her “the smart one.” I met her parents, who seemed intent to get her through the program as quickly as possible. I began to understand the pressure this girl must feel to learn all of these concepts and ideas at once. Not answering the questions had nothing to do with how much she was invested in the work, and had everything to do with the insecurities she felt about being wrong and disappointing others: me, the girl she usually tutors with, her parents, her sister, or the coordinators at the literacy council. She simply needed a lesson in confidence.

I thought that perhaps I should first level the playing field. She saw me as the tutor, the teacher, the instiller of knowledge; but I wanted to be more of a friend, a support system, someone you could mess up in front of and it would be okay. So I started admitting some times I’ve been wrong on tests or in stressful situations to expose myself as a fellow learner without appearing incompetent as a tutor. I started letting humor guide the lesson so that she felt at ease with me. Most of all, I started to build her confidence by using a lot of positive reinforcement while being empathetic and nonjudgmental when she answered a question incorrectly. I tried to understand where she was coming from to arrive at her answer to show that her line of reasoning wasn’t necessarily wrong, but the GED is a strict and particular test. I tried to foster creativity in the lessons by removing ourselves from the book for a bit and brainstorming—an activity that allowed her to think while also being valued for her unique input. For example, we were discussing nonfiction and fiction writing on Wednesday, but rather than refer to the book right away for definitions, I had her think of certain things that were fictional. At first she was slow to answer, but eventually came an outpour of movie titles she liked—Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, etc. She continued naming new fiction film titles she thought of throughout the entire lesson as her confidence in the material grew.

I think it’s important as adult tutors to understand that a lack of confidence, not knowledge or reasoning, is sometimes at the root of a learning difficulty. This girl is smart and I feel that as we spend more time together one-on-one, she picks up on concepts a lot more quickly. She is choosing the right answer on objective quizzes more often than not. Her reading comprehension is up. She makes spontaneous connections from previous tutoring sessions that I didn’t think of while planning the lesson. Just as I became more confident in my answers and ideas as I became close with my teachers, she has increased her writing and reading skills by getting to know me. With a calm, kind, and supportive atmosphere, this girl can learn as well as anybody else.